Books on Parenting a Teenager
Parenting a teenager can be the absolute best when you have a moment and connect with your child intellectually or emotionally. There is nothing better than witnessing their growth and breakthroughs. Your heart expands several sizes. And I don’t need to tell you that they will also test you like no one else. I love Tina Fey’s description of communicating with a teenage daughter, which she likens to harboring an office crush.
When you launch a high school search with a thirteen or fourteen-year-old, you’re taking on what will be an arduous process with a partner who can be delightful and excited to talk about their future. They can also can be stubborn, unwilling to work on your schedule, and lack the executive functioning to manage all that needs to be done. They’re not exactly the dream partner for a big project, yet you’re embarking upon one that’s all about them. This is a process demands more than most are ready for developmentally. So with that in mind, right now can be a great time to read a book or two or listen to a few podcasts to prepare yourself for working side by side with your teen.
Before I worry you too much, there’s a significant upside. At a time when most teenagers are pulling away from their parents (completely normal), you will be brought together and forced to have conversations about some fundamental questions about who they are: How do you best learn? What is your favorite time at school? What are you most proud of accomplishing? What excites you most in life? Your teenage partner may sometimes frustrate and disappoint you, and you may get overwhelmed by the process at times. Still, you’ll also have a chance to spend quality time with your teenager and reflect upon (and write about what) makes them the extraordinary person that they are. Your child will see all you are doing for them and will feel gratitude. While they may be clumsy expressing it, I promise that they’ll see what you’re doing on their behalf. The closeness that can emerge as you go through this process together can be a real gift.
So without further ado, here are a few books that offer advice on how to support your teenager through their emotions, prioritize the lessons that matter, and give them the space to navigate their own lives and develop a sense of responsibility and independence as they make big decisions about their lives.
Lisa Damour, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents. I cannot recommend this book enough for parents navigating the emotions of adolescence and offering meaningful support. Damour, a child psychologist who works part-time in an independent school, offers insights and concrete suggestions for supporting today’s teenagers. Examples: 1. Everyone has bad days, and bad feelings are data points and not harmful. In fact, they can help us better understand ourselves and our needs. Help your child get curious; as long as coping mechanisms are not dangerous, they’re ok. 2. When your child unloads about something going on, just say, “Oh man, that stinks,” and stop talking. Just listen. 3. Protect sleep. It is the basic ingredient for maintaining a teen’s well-being. 4. Our job as the adults in our children’s lives is to be a steady presence. When your child comes to you with something, try not to be anxious or upset. In fact, you should never be more or less excited about something in your child’s life than they are. Also, see Damour's two books on raising daughters: Under Pressure and Untangled. You can also listen to Lisa on her podcast here.
Ana Homayoun, Erasing the Finish Line: The New Blueprint for Success Beyond Grades and College Admissions. I always love books written by local psychologists and teachers because I know they get our children and the unique pressures of growing up in the Bay Area. Homayoun is an academic advisor in Palo Alto and encourages families to reframe how we measure success from college acceptances to solid life skills. Specifically, she points to vital executive functioning skills and habits; a range of relationships, and perspectives; understanding what recharges oneself; and learning adaptability and resilience as the actual goals we should have for our children. She delivers the vital message that most successful people did not follow a straight trajectory—reminding us that detours and unexpected destinations are vital to the journey, and actually make people stronger and give them richer perspectives. While Homayoun directly addresses the college application process, her lessons can also be applied to selecting a high school. Her recommendations also offer a solid antidote to the frenetic and overwhelming energy around (college) admissions. Inoculate yourself now so you can stay true to your values.
Julia Lythcott-Haims, How to Raise an Adult: Break free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare your Kid for Success. This is an oldie (2015) but goodie, and if you missed it when it first came out, check it out now. Lythcott-Haims, former Freshman Dean of Students at Stanford, encourages parents to back off and give their children to allow them space to cultivate independence, life skills, their relationships, make their own mistakes, and normalize mistakes. Lythcott-Haims garnered a lot of attention when the book was first published for highlighting how hamstrung so many college students were when they arrived at college due to their parents’ good intentions, which left them ill-equipped to live on their own, self-advocate, and thrive independently. Given the opportunity to manage their own lives, students will develop all of the important life skills, and in particular, a sense of agency and self. It’s not always easy to let go—no one is thrilled when a child earns a C in History or lose their brand-new jacket—but when you can remind yourself of the longer-term benefits of their growth, it’s worth it.
There are a number of other books, articles, and podcasts that I will continue to share to help you navigate parenting a teenager and prioritize what really matters. Stay tuned!
